Actually,
Monday, July 6, 2009 3:39 PM
LOL face is pretty tear stained right at this moment...sort of had a really emotional skype talk with Steven. Oh god he tried to make me feel better but ugh it just doesn't work.
I don't know what took over me but I just sort of lost it, just started tearing up and finally fully crying while still talking to him. It's funny how I'm not that embarassed to cry in front of him nor is he in front of me. Thank you Steven so much I really appreciate it. I ended up letting him talk to his friends because they kept on annoying me with constant msging on skype so I was like w.e I'm going to take a nap...sort of since I'm just on my laptop with my iPod blasting and random stray tears making their way down my cheek. Why do I feel this way? Stress. Stress to be good enough stress to be enough period. Enough where people don't try..oh shit I'm getting my keyboard wet...But ya enough where people don't need to look for anyone else anymore because you're what they need. But I am already getting this constant fear that I am getting replaced and I just don't like dealing with this again, I went through this already where I wasn't enough for the guy I loved to not crush on other people. I will never be enough will I? Or good enough. I'm tired of feeling this and you know what? I stick by my true attitude. Call me whatever you want because I already have my original attitude and motto. Which is 'Fuck you, I may not be perfect but neither are you.' I'm sick of this society...Someone once told me "Jas, not all guys are jerks.." Well sort of proved me right on that one didn't you? I am done with this, whatever this is.
I'm done with waiting around because I will never be good enough etc. So this current blog entry is a really emotional one for me. I can't seem to hold these tears back and I feel weak. I have no one to lean on who understands me or how I feel. Why do I have SO much stress? I'm only 18! But I can't help it, I have stress from trying to get life over with. Go to college meet new people I just want to skip this period in life where I have to put up with people's bullshit.
Ugh I don't know what else to write that I already haven't I find myself feeling grumpy alot towards people who matter but I find myself pushing them away farther and farther. It's easier that way right? If they cared they'd stick by you no matter what but alot of people have disappointed me a long the way.
I feel that I haven't really been happy in a long time, sure I'll be happy when I'm joking around or hanging out with friends. But when I'm alone I have no reason to be happy. There is a difference between grateful and being happy that I have realized that are completely different. For a long time I have gotten them confused to be the same thing, who knows that I have been completely wrong. Have you ever heard the song by Jesse McCartney called She's No You? Ya I know cheesy but that song is just I want that to happen to me SO badly. To know and be assured that you're not or never going to be replaced by someone no matter what they look like. And that the person wants to be with you and only you.
"Cus you're all the girl that I have ever dreamed and she's the only a picture in a magazine"
Ya basically saying that looks don't matter, or ya I know they do, but that person can look at you and still find you the most amazing beautiful person ever? And they are happy with just the way you are.
People are just disappointing me more and more each and every day...people are just getting more and more shallower. Just aggravating me with bullshit that really don't matter whatsoever.
Anyways I'm done writing about this I think I have bored myself out enough with this.
Note to self: People don't always care.